WHY AIRPLANES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

---- Author Unknown

  • You can predict an airplane.
  • If you respect an airplane it will be good to you.
  • Airplanes don't have PMS to battle.
  • Airplane skin doesn't wrinkle as badly.
  • An airplane won't criticize your performance.
  • Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
  • An airplane doesn't care where you were last night.
  • Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.
  • Airplanes don't cost as much money.
  • Airplanes don't get pregnant.
  • Airplanes are faster than most women.
  • Airplanes don't take forever to warm up.
  • Airplanes don't spend hours in front of a mirror.
  • Airplanes like to do it inverted.
  • Airplanes won't keep you waiting.
  • Airplanes won't insist you shower before entering it.
  • Airplanes don't cry when you break up with them.
  • Airplanes don't talk back.
  • Airplanes don't get headaches.
  • Airplanes don't take half of everything.
  • Airplanes never stand you up.
  • It's easier to get "trim" in an airplane.
  • Airplanes go down ... women just bring you down.
  • An airplane is cheaper to maintain.
  • You can't get diseases from an airplane.
  • Airplanes don't care if you fart.
  • Airplanes have better struts.
  • An airplane doesn't care who yanks it's stick.
  • You can keep an airplane from stalling.
  • Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
  • You can approach an airplane from the REAR.
  • You can proudly show your airplane inside and out.
  • An airplane won't slap you for being a "bush pilot".
  • An airplane doesn't ask you to put on a raincoat before entry.
  • You can easily leave an airplane before sunrise.
  • Airplane exhaust fumes smell better.
  • Airplanes lose weight faster.
  • You don't always have to "hand prop" an airplane.
  • Airplanes don't care if you fall asleep while in them.
  • Airplanes don't care if you enter thru the back door.
  • An airplane does not get mad if you "touch and go".
  • An airplane will not get mad if you ride someone else's airplane.
  • An airplane's cockpit is cleaner.
  • At least a DC-10 sucks!
  • You can calculate the peak performance of an airplane.
  • An airplane is easy to roll over.
  • You can still ride a fifty year old airplane.
  • Up to five people can ride in an airplane.
  • Airplanes expect to be tied down.
  • Airplanes can get high without throwing up.
  • Airplanes last longer.
  • Airplane's don't need as much lubrication.
  • Airplane's don't droop after ten years.
  • Airplanes are easy to love.
  • You don't have to sweet-talk an airplane.
  • You can always tell when an airplane is going to give out.
  • An airplane moves when you tell it to.
  • Airplanes give a better ride for the money.
  • An airplane goes anywhere you direct it to.
  • Wide body airplanes are more attractive.
  • An airplane will kill you quick...a woman takes her time.
  • An airplane takes less time to turn around.
  • An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
  • Airplanes don't make you "pull-out" to eject.
  • You can change the looks of an airplane.
  • Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
  • Airplanes can handle thrust better.
  • Airplanes don't scream.
  • A 747 can keep you up for 14 hours.
  • You can adjust an airplane's attitude easily.
  • Women have more drag than lift.
  • An airplane's payload can be calculated.
  • Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
  • Airplanes have ash trays and tray tables.
  • When you put fuel into an airplane, it does not spit it out.
  • Sometimes you can ride airplanes for free
  • It's easier to understand what an airplane needs.
  • You can fly an airplane any time of the month
  • Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
  • Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong
  • Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown
  • Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
  • Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines
  • If your airplane is too loose, you can tighten it
  • It's always OK to use tie downs on your airplane
  • However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bad thing.

    Women's English:

  • Yes = No
  • No = Yes
  • Maybe = No
  • I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
  • We need = I want
  • It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
  • Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
  • We need to talk = I need to complain
  • Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
  • I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
  • You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
  • Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
  • This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
  • I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
  • I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
  • Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
  • How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
  • I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
  • You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
  • Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]

    Men's English:

  • I'm hungry = I'm hungry
  • I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
  • I'm tired = I'm tired
  • Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
  • Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
  • Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
  • May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
  • Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
  • You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
  • What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
  • What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
  • I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
  • I love you = Let's have sex now
  • I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex.
  • Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
  • Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep then maybe sex?
  • Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with anybody else.

    Reasons why it's great to be a woman

    1. Speeding ticket? What's that?
    2. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
    3. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
    4. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
    5. You can sleep your way to the top.
    6. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
    7. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
    8. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
    9. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
    10. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
    11. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
    12. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
    13. You have the ability to dress yourself.
    14. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
    15. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
    16. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
    17. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
    18. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.
    19. You've never had a goatee.
    20. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
    21. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
    22. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
    23. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
    Modems beat women
    Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:
    1. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
    2. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
    3. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
    4. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
    5. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
    6. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
    7. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
    8. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
    9. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
    10. Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.