WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN

"I can't find it."
MEANS "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work."
MEANS "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
MEANS "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing."
MEANS "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain."
MEANS "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
MEANS "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late."
MEANS "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
MEANS "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
MEANS "You want me to stay awake."

"It's really a good movie."
MEANS "It's got guns, knives, fast cars and naked women."

"You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS "I remember the words to the theme song of F Troop,
the address of the first girl I kissed,
the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned,
but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS The babe around the corner selling the roses was wearing a thong bikini."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal."
MEANS "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
MEANS "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"What did I do this time?"
MEANS "What did you catch me at?"

"She's one of the rabid feminists."
MEANS "She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you."
MEANS "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
MEANS "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You really look terrific in that outfit."
MEANS "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
MEANS "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."

"I missed you."
MEANS "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
MEANS "No one will ever see us alive again."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
MEANS "I like you almost as much as I like my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
MEANS "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

____

Low & Slow

Eamon McKenzie